justired

It was 3 am in the morning and i just got home.

Seharian pergi, ke gereja, main sama temen, makan, shopping, dan ngabisin waktu ngobrol random di kedai milk tea sama seorang teman sampai jam 3 pagi.

Then I got home.

Then I miss him.

Then I listened to this song: Officially Missing You

Then all those memories, all those feelings.. burst out.

Semua perasaan yang uda lama gw tahan, perasaan buat ga peduli, buat ga care, buat gamau tau sedikitpun tentang dia, perasaan bahwa gw kuat, bahwa gw bisa move on, bahwa gw bisa tanpa dia, bahwa dia cuma bagian dari masa lalu gw yang lama-lama juga bakal ilang, perasaan buat percaya bahwa segala sesuatu akan indah pada waktunya..

Semuanya runtuh dan lebur.

Tiba-tiba gw merasa lelah luar biasa.

I’m tired trying to be strong. I’m tired trying to keep moving on.

I’m tired of thinking and wishing and hoping for something that is not meant to be.

Gw takut sampe kapanpun, gw gabakal bisa ngilangin perasaan ini. Gw takut gw ga bisa sayang sama orang lagi segitunya gw sayang sama dia. Gw takut. Gw takut gw ga bisa, bukan gw gamau.

Because after all this time I tried, I always come back to where I start.

Because for the first five minutes of everyday it's still him that cross into my mind. Then I realize, every time that I wake up, I'm just becoming more and more a part of his past, a part that will never last. 

It was 3 am.

When I finally cried. 

I cried like a baby. 

I cried and cried and cried and cried, until I fell asleep.